"I AM HEATHCLIFF"

GG says:

“Rather cloudy, outbreaks of rain; another mild night!” ---Quintessential Yorkshire Autumn! The city was covered in a thick blanket of fog; an eerie Moorish feeling in the air.

9hrs in total, a retro transfection, 20 PCR reactions, a restriction double digest, couple of gels, 3 hectic hours of showing adolescent undergrads how to work with rat sperm and I was finally 10mins away from home. In an effort to keep myself busy, I had fatigued every brain cell in me. Everything felt vacant and pointless, I felt lonely following the trail beside the pond. Had no urge to get back home so I sat on the bench and decided to watch the ripples. There was a slight drizzle and microscopic droplets of rain hit my face. Wet, muggy, dull and dark! I felt a strange element of deja vu. What is it? Why do I feel this way? Where am I? Have I been here before?

HM do you remember? This is where you proposed.

I often come down to the spot and spend hours watching the ducks swim across the pond. Wish you were here. Wish I could feel you. Wish you could understand what I am going through. WISH.

HM and I had an argument last night; he slammed the door and walked out. Except for an email justifying his point I haven’t heard from him ever since.

I miss you. This is for you HM. This is how I feel today…….Catherine from Wuthering Heights.

Catherine Earnshaw, "If all else perished and HE remained, I

should still continue to be; and if all else remained and he were

annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger; I should not

seem part of it".

Catherine sees herself as an image of her love for Heathcliff and shouts “I AM HEATHCLIFF”. is a manifestation of Heathcliff, his match in body mind and soul. In the face of a common enemy they identify with one another, each of them find the norms of society as excruciating. She surrenders her identity and cosmos to become one with his. And here is a simple e.g. of her dignified passion for romance: she can feel his heartbeat while being clasped to his chest! She passionately yearns to be fulfilled, to give herself candidly to him and at the same time keep her identity. Her existence is blended with his; she loves him and is loved by him. In doing so, she shares his manly power and supremacy. It is when Heathcliff considers and accepts her as his true identity that she experiences true contentment. They have a strong feeling to be purely and wholly for each other. Lord David Cecil once commented “Thus, Catherine loves Heathcliff because as children of the storm they are bound by their similar natures. This is why Catherine says she loves Heathcliff ‘because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.’ As the expression of the principle of the storm, their love is, of course, neither sexual nor sensual.”

Their love endures on a spiritual plane; they are soul mates. Two people with a bond and affinity for each other. Binding them together irresistibly. It is a beautiful experience to be loved in this manner, endlessly, where nothing else in the world matters. Their love is eternal and she will forever remain dependent.

Come home HM, you are all I have. I am sorry. But I will stand by my argument; unfortunately the ground under your argument is far too shaky for me.

oops...poor Mr.Bernie, he must be starving!

HM

I'm home girl, wheres the food? :)

Whats with men and the fear of having babies???

GG says:
It’s been a long day at work today. Gonna be at a conference Wed-Fri. Loads to do, work on the presentation, edit, practice….and chores….prep goodies for HM to munch on while im away, laundry, clean d kitchen. Oops! Mr.Bernie, he needs a wash! Come on Mr.B..aha…yeah ur gonna get wet. Stop! Come here! Hop in…yes please…in there…tub…NOW!
Wait! I need some music. Beatles? Nirvana? Mozart? Bee Gees? …yes that’s it.

HM…when we first met:
Baby when I met you ,there was peace unknown
I set out to get you ,with a fine tooth comb
I was soft inside ,there was something going on.

GG …yeah butterflies, I feel them:
You do something to me, that I can't explain
Hold me closer and I feel no pain
Every beat of my heart. We got something going on.

Summer of 2005; HM strumming away at Barista, hand in hand… long walks down the beach, watching monkeys at Anna, canteen lunch and watermelon juice.
HM (Kenny) & GG (Dolly) duet:
Tender love is blind
It requires a dedication
All this love we feel
Needs no conversation
We ride it together, ah-ah
Making love with each other, ah-ah.
From friends to soul mates; boy to man and girl to woman; commitment to the final call---Marriage!

Islands in the stream. That is what we are
No one in between; How can we be wrong?
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
maagalyam thanthuna naena
mamajeevana haethuna
thanthe padnaami shubagae
vamjeeva sharadhaamshagam


The clouds, birds, lush green mead's, trees and daffodils in bloom…all gone…PUFF!!!
HM hits post-marriage trauma: Woah!!! I’m married now, bound for life, responsibilities, chores….and the inevitable…BABIES!!!!
NO! NO! NO! …NO Kids GG…NO ways!
HM to GG…on our first anniversary:
But that won’t happen to us, and we got no doubt (NO BABIES!)
Too deep in love and we got no way out and the message is clear (NO BABIES!)
This could be the year for the real thing (FUN, FUN and more FUN!)

GG to HM ... on our first anniversary
I can't live without you, if the love was gone
Everything is nothing, if you got no one.
And you did walk in tonight, slowly losing sight of the real thing!

Mr. Bernie!!! Stop it, stop…(after bath antics). I’m all drenched now; but hey…im out of the scary thought I had. Few days back HM and I had a long chat and the topic was: NO BABIES! He was adamant about not having babies, I wasn’t sure if I was ready for one ;)
I don’t think child birth is a big deal for a Man. Coz he doesn’t experience it, but his role is integral, the child is partly him...coz without the sperm, the egg is infertile. It’s barren like land without a crop. The baby is half you HM, think about it. Isn’t that a special feeling? You have told me a few times…”GG I want a daughter, just like you with your smile.”
Having an offspring is an enormous but rewarding responsibility. Responsibilities, every human on earth has to face them, it’s inevitable. Responsibilities are for life HM. Baby or no baby...you will have responsibilities in different forms and shapes. You are going to have responsibilities at work, as a son, as a brother, as a friend and as a partner. Although you aren’t doing a good job of it now...you have always listened/respected your parents, been a true confidant to your sister, loyal to your friends and an unfailing soul mate. HENCE...im not ready to believe that you think of a baby as a huge responsibility! I think it’s just a passing thought and with time you will change.
Its the best feeling ever HM, having a baby is what makes a woman-a WOMAN. Marrying you would make me complete, but having the baby would mean achieving what I was born into this world for; to reproduce. It’s that simple, every woman should feel childbirth. It’s a very special process I need to go through; blame it on Mother Nature!
But listen, what’s the hurry? I can wait. We have plenty to do, traveling, career, stone cottage…it’s a never ending list. Probably then you will appreciate me more and want a baby. Well, you haven’t met my gynecologist yet…what if there is a dark secret to be revealed…what if I can’t have babies? ;)
I am convinced your innate responsibilities as a dad will come to life when you the hold first born…remember the baby is partly U. HM dear I want to get married. Marry you, have you as my husband. Have a baby...contribute to evolution and face the responsibilities in life with you, hand in hand!
Gosh, don’t know how I am going to manage babies with half your genetic design--- naughty, stubborn, lazy, and with an insatiable appetite! As for now, it’s Mr. Bernie and US.
I can hear HM: Back home honey, what’s for dinner?’

Bee Gees record in the background:
No more will you cry
Baby I will hurt you never
We start and end as one
in love forever
We can ride it together, ah-ah
Making, love with each other, ah-ah

Sail away
Oh come sail away with me, with me.


HM says:

Okay.
Side One.
GG, HM, happily married, 2 kids, a boy and a girl; girl with cute li'l ponytails, pretty boy pulling his sister's hair, generally pissing her off.. Both playing in the sand… happy parents watching them and smiling, thinking how fulfilling their life has been. HM and GG are both professors in the making, they have been working at the same university for the past 5 years, are on tenure track, and get close to 3 weeks off in a year for vacations. However the last year, they couldn't take that vacation since the boy came down with a flu just before they were to leave for the airport (aah.. It was the season…) and the year before, they both had grant deadlines.. How sad. But they are making up for it this year. The two take their children's lives and hence, their lives, very seriously, so they have life insurance, medical insurance, dental insurance… they even befriended a local doctor so he could come home in case of an emergency. Kids!! They grow so fast, such dears... Before you know it, they will want to go to college. But these smart parents are a step ahead; they started saving for that the day the first kid popped out and wailed; kids of professors, they better be intelligent and go to top schools, or what!! Did I forget the house? Yeah, four people, so they have a nice big cottage with nice big chimneys. And a mortgage on that too. But their life is quite well-planned out, and in a few years, they would have paid off for the house, and start saving for their retirement. Life is stable, for the most part…
Side Two.
GG, HM, in the middle of the Sahara; they have been walking for the past few days but owing to HM's phenomenal spatial skills, they have managed to get atleast 15 miles away from the trail they were supposed to be on. Well, probably not completely his fault, there was an evil sandstorm...They are 45-year-olds, fit as a fiddle, and even under these nasty conditions, the sparkle in their eyes is evident. They are both part of a WHO team investigating a deadly disease in sub-Saharan Africa. They are known to be the most reckless adventurers, taking on the most dangerous assignments without a wink. They started out as scientists, and their love for travel and adventure took them from country to country, never staying at one place for more than 2 years in a row. They then took a break from science and spent time in India working with a NGO for children welfare. It was there that they were absorbed by the WHO… then on, from one assignment to the other, whatever opportunity came by, it was taken. After 5 such came the Saharan adventure. Maybe this would be the last… or maybe not. Only time will tell. But here they were, living each minute like it was their last, together through peril and joy; death would only be another adventure.

Life isn't about reproduction; it is about evolution. It isn't about shirking responsibilities, but choosing them wisely based on our attitudes and needs. Life is simple, for the free :) Side One and Two. You do realize that these two never go together. Side One is not bad; but it isn't for me. Walk with me, and lets make the world our playground :)

I want it my way, dammit

HM: A very icky problem. Freedom. I need space, lots of it, to the point of paranoia. I hate being told what to do. I guess, for that matter, every man hates it. But, I won't cave in, I shall be brave and stand up. Take a simple case of what to wear. Women for some reason cannot stand men wearing what they wish. It started with my mother; she hated my clothes. If I let her, she would have happily made a bonfire out of them. Family outings normally start out with arguments between my mum and me about what I was wearing; of all things to fight about!! Now its my girlfriend. She won't come out if my clothes don't suit her tastes. Seriously, I'm beginning to feel like a middle-eastern girl here. Though it appears trivial, it is suffocating to be held back in things you would normally do. Adjusting and factoring another person is part of the commitment, but to what extent really? Alright, I can dress for you, but I can't change some things that are integrally a part of me, can I? A marriage is two people sharing their lives, understanding each other, and growing independently, and with each other. Two souls, reaching a common goal... of unity and happiness. If there are issues on fundamental attitudes or nature of a person, I believe it is unfair to wish for change; wishing for such changes only brings in bad-will. The only way to go about is to accept the other person for what they are, after all, isn't that what love was all about? As long as there is trust in the relationship, in each other, then acceptance becomes simple, no?

GG: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I’m home.

It was a cold October evening, Mr. Bernie (our St.Bernard) kept panting profusely throughout the walk and was relieved we were finally home. He had settled by the fireplace lapping up water and munching away the freshly filled bowl of YUM.

Cup of hot tea, warm fireplace, chestnuts in the oven (ones I had picked this evening) and Mr. Bernie by my side. It’s all good so far till the minute I read Mr.HMz blog.

Hmmmm.........OUCH, that hurts. It’s the same old issue-----'FREEDOM'

My first response to the blog was: HUH! I don't have it locked up my attic!

New friends/experiences in the past few months are perhaps the recipe for HM rambling about freedom off late. I wonder if he realizes what he is asking for. HMz mum dint burn his clothes, oh well I did. Had to! We were invited to attend a totally formal event---Indian wedding reception. I wore a salwar; let my hair down, bindi on my forehead and kajal in my eyes. In walks HM in his faded yellow Hawaiian shirt patterned with red flowers, green clouds and blue birds paired with brown cargo shorts! Let’s go? Tell me...all the women out there...would u attend a formal event with your partner dressed this way? I know there will be an odd bunch of readers trying to be on HMz side, but most women would say...gosh he needs to dress to the occasion. That’s exactly what I said, honey would u mind wearing a different shirt, or probably u could keep the shirt but change into pants? For heavens sake, we are attending a wedding in India not in Hawaii!! That's it, trivial argument, but had to go through it. Eventually after 30 mins of arguing, he did change into something semi-formal ;) women have their way to it and I am not letting out my dark secret (girls...ahem...I can see u smirking). In reality I would prefer HM to wear clothes he is comfortable in. If we were out on a walk, he could dress in shorts and the Hawaiian, but not at the wedding. Although in retrospect I should have let him wear the Hawaiian coz he ended up staining the white cotton shirt with a generous smear of turmeric. Hmmm... there is no point grooming a junkie. HM dear I would love to see you smart and well groomed. But please don't take it personally and blame me for hoarding up your freedom.

Adjustments are part of a commitment, but it cannot be quantified or set according to specific guidelines. Adjustments are momentary it just happens; we talk, factor out the argument and come to a conclusion. There are NO rules attached to it. If a marriage is two people sharing their lives and understanding each other then don’t you think ‘adjustment’ is an integral part of it? We are two completely different people bound together on the basis of love and care. You are my alter ego HM.  I accept you as you are, it wouldn’t be fair if I forced you to change.

Why on earth would I want you to change? Honestly, I fell in love with YOU, your personality, your originality, HM the maverick. I knew what I was getting into, I wanted it and that is why I am committed to you. I want you as you are! Acceptance isn’t always SIMPLE. It’s simple and easy for trivial reasons. But when issues go against the integrity of our relationship acceptance is painful. It’s painful to accept a breach in the trust, share your soul mate with another woman (exceptions of mum n sis), to feel defeated when your partner suddenly decides to renounce himself from his duties, when you feel neglected and left alone to face the adversities in life. These are issues pertaining to the nature of a person. It is my duty as your partner to voice my frustration if you are indulging in any of these.  I know you would never hurt my feelings and events in the past are a closed chapter. I TRUST you; however it is pointless on my part to suffer in silence if you keep breaching the integrity of my marriage. If we don’t point out each others flaws how will the two souls reach a common goal—unity and happiness?

Therefore can something as trivial as a dressing to the occasion be classified as me changing your personality? I beg to disagree.

Dinner is ready…..hey wash your hands!